No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
