I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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