My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
