Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
