Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
