am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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