How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
