i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how my cats smell like pot.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!