id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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