my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
