It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize