I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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