He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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