i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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