i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
