Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
