Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
