just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
