I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
