hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
there is glitter all over my balls
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
