if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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