Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
