Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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