Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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