1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
