Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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