I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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