Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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