i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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