K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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