I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
