My underwear smells like fireworks.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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