Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
