I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
