I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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