How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
