I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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