We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You did what with his pubic hair?
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