so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
