I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
