Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
