I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
