I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
