the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
