He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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