and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
