I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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