Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
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