i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
