You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
